Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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