OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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