I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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