when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I would fuck him just for his dog
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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