Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
