dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
did i walk over a car last night?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Randomize