Old men and throwing up are my life now.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
