Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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