This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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