when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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