I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
