alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
