You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
