my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
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