You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
