Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
