Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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