Your face is a jimmy john
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
