I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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