You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
What changed your mind?
Being sober
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
