Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
