she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
