you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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