So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
