if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
