I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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