We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
