Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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