Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
