I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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