Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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