everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
