I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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