i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
smell my finger.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
