i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Sorry my hands just texted you
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize