You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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