the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
