Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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