y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
