In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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