You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
being pregnant is like rehab
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
