Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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