Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
