I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
