I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
