Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You made out with two different species that night
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
