Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
