All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
