I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
