i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
