Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
