i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Who died my cat blue again?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
