every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
