Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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