Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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