You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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