I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
