somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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