no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
whose ass print is on the piano?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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